Only a month late: The Dark Knight Rises spoiler-free review!

WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED READING THIS ARTICLE, YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO CARRY ON LIFE AS USUAL.

Despite what most people expected and anticipated out of Christopher Nolan’s last installment in the Batman trilogy, TDKR is not a masterpiece. It’s nowhere near actually and as a film it’s very broken. The plot is filled with far too many holes, when you compare it to the trilogies’ previous two installments. But, Batman has never really been about the plot. What made Nolan’s interpretation of Batman so fantastic was the great secondary characters. And, in TDKR, Nolan doesn’t disappoint.

When we talk about secondary characters (everyone who isn’t Batman) we have to obviously talk about Bane. From Liam Neeson’s Irishness to Heath Ledger’s deathness (too soon?), Tom Hardy had a pretty hard two acts to follow. And, well, he didn’t really need to do anything. At all. The way his character is portrayed is as a beast of a man who wears a mask, which makes him sound like Talking Tom the Cat, and the strength of Chuck Norris’ beard on steroids. There isn’t much else to Bane, no ace-up the hole strategies or political messages he wants to spread and in turn, it made Tom Hardy’s job piss easy. Show up. Do push ups. Muffle a few meaningless words. Get paid.

Despite having a mask on, Hardy still managed to portray more emotion than Kristen Stewart.

On the other hand, we definitely had two bright stars emerge from the movie, both who hopefully will have their own spin-off franchises too. I’m of course talking about Joseph Gordon-Levitt (I call him JoeGo) and Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathway starred as the much anticipated Selina Kyle, and boy did she blow Michelle ‘had to google how to spell her last name’ Pffeifer and Halle ‘don’t even get me fucking started’ Berry’s interpretations out of the water. Simply put, she nailed every single part of Selina’s mannerisms shown in comic books and videogames. She did her research and I think I may ask her to marry me.

The real reason Batman wears a utility belt.

Now, we have to talk about my homie JoeGo. Not much was known about his character to begin with, and to be honest, I thought he was only going to have a cameo. But, I was so glad he got the attention and screen-time he deserved, because he ran with it and played the loveable hero who tries to fight for what’s right so well. And not in a homosexual Toby MacGuire way either.

Dandruff alert!

As always Morgan ‘my voice is so sexy’ Freeman, Michael ‘I couldn’t be more English if I tried’ Caine and Gary ‘Don’t forget the R when typing Gary Oldman in Google’ Oldman all put in stellar performances and dropped quotes I’d like to hear over and over again as if they were Tiger Wood’s pants at a strip club.

They’d make the best boy band in the World

One thing that was really off about this movie, however, was the editing and production. I’m not one to promote Michael Bay-ing films but daym, some of the stunts and fighting scenes were just plain terrible. I’ve never seen a more over-used vehicle in the World than that stupid ass Bat thing. Okay, it was cool once, but it didn’t need to be used 5 times throughout the movie. Talking of overused, hey Batman, switch up your fighting technique, you lazy git. Watching Bale do the punch-punch-elbow routine 15,000 times in one movie kind of gets boring, man. Switch it up, bro. Roundhouse kick that son of a gun.

All, cyncism and needless picking apart of what really was a good movie aside, The Dark Knight Rises was an appropriate ending for the trilogy. It didn’t have the thought-provoking political propaganda that TDK boasted or the plain edge of your seat rush that Batman begins gave you. It gave you something much less enthralling but at the same time, epic.

And, best of all as I rose from the ashes at my local cinema after a painfully uncomfortable 3 hour sit-down session, I couldn’t help but smile. My back was about as frail as the Spanish economy but, still, I couldn’t help but just beam in glee. And see, this smile, it wasn’t the type of smile you get from murdering an innocent French prostitute no, it was a smile of pure satisfaction. Satisfaction, knowing that my favourite superhero got the finale he deserved.

I rate this movie 2 Chewbaccas out of 5 Han Solo’s on the Rohan scale.

To read more reviews for the Dark Knight rises head over to Rotten Tomatoes.

From now on

Read everything I write with a hybrid Scottish and Jamaican accent. It’ll be much funnier like that.

Nikita, CW’s best show. Yes, yes, I know, but still.

Ah, Nikita. A perfect example of what’s wrong with America. Okay, maybe that’s taking it too far but, when I see shows like Jersey Shore, America’s Next Top Model, X Factor, American Idol, etc… popping out huge ratings it pains me. Why? Well, Nikita, one of the freshest, most entertaining hour you’ll have in your week is about a sheet of ice away from being cancelled.

So, what is Nikita? Nikita is an action/adventure show about the lead character Nikita, and her sidekick Alex.

What do they do? Well, they fight to take down Division.

What is Division? Division is a secret government-funded agency who recruits ex-cons and people on death row (eliminating all history of them) to fight the nation’s dirty affair, whilst also taking on the side operations too. Basically, they’re the bane of the underworld.

So, what is Alex and Nikita’s gripe with Division? Nikita, used to be a drugged up heroin junky before being ”saved” by Division. After, years of fighting with them, on a mission to Russia, Nikita disobeys her direct orders to murder a young Alex and instead saves her, before murdering her parents. After Division finds out, they murder Nikita’s spouse. Enough if enough for Nikita as she silently lies in wait before breaking away from Division and going rogue. Easy, right? No. She’s one person against a whole organization of trained assassins. Nikita waits for Alex to grow up, and convinces her to join the cause, to avenge her parents death. Alex infiltrates Division, being also ”saved” by Division. She is trained up, whilst Nikita formulates plans to get to Division from the inside. Simple premise, right?

Who’s in it? Well, Nikita is played by the half-Vietnamese, half-Polish beauty, Maggie Q, from Mission Impossible 3 fame. Her counterpart Alex, is the stunningly beautiful Lyndsy Fonseca, of Kick-Ass fame. Michael, a higher-up division agent is played by Shane West of a Walk to remember fame, whilst his boss, Percy, is played by the hugely talented Xander Berkeley of recent 24 fame. Not to mention, Amanda, the resident psychologist of Division who has a bigger role in season 2, is played by Melinda Clarke, of the O.C. fame. Stellar, stellar cast which also has various stand-out special recurring guest stars.

Alex. Yes, fellas, I would too.

Maggie Q (AKA Nikita), in all her half-Polish, half-Vietnamese glory.

Sure, sure, it’s all well and good me telling you all the plot and premise, but how do you know it’s any good? Well, not only does it receive great reviews and recommendations, but

The fight scenes are impressively put together, for a low-budget show. Not only is the actual fighting very kick-ass, it’s very believable and nitty gritty. Think Arkham City, but real life.

The character development is top-notch. We know who to root for right from the beginning. The villains get focused on to, and there is a lot of evidence shown to see how they became evil and hints galore of them turning on Division too. Great acting too.

Twists and turns make you wan’t to tune in again and again. The show becomes more addictive as it hits its stride. The twists are so well done that they don’t leave you with no idea what’s happening as Nikita really is very easy to pick up and watch.

Need more reasons?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-romero/four-reasons-you-should-watch-nikita_b_1184763.html

Okay, Nikita, I’ll have sexual relations with Alex. No need to get physical.

So, you may ask why Rohan is making such a plead for everyone to watch it. I’ll answer: fear. It is so close to being cancelled and for the love of good, it is going to follow the likes of Arrested Development, Family Guy, etc…, becoming a classic after being cancelled. Please, for the love of all that is holy, watch Nikita (and if you already do, continue) . Give it a try, what do you have to lose? I promise you, it will not disappoint. If it does, well red rep me or something, but, please, don’t leave it to late. Flashforward used to be my favourite show before being axed, and the last thing I want to see is Nikita, my new favourite show, getting the axe too. Watch. Please, before it’s too late. If you do, I’d love to hear your comments and what you thought.

Special question for any of you who do watch it, what is your favourite episode?

P.S. if you’re a big fan check out this blog dedicated to GIFs about Nikita: http://divisiongifs.tumblr.com/

The introduction.

Well then,

So, my name is Rohan Darar. Philantropist, self-titled New York Times Bestseller and father of 2. Well, not really. Just a lonely manboy with a 2mb broadband connection and a passion to write.

So, what will I write about:

Well, I have way too much time on my hands. I probably shouldn’t, to be honest but homework and studying is so unappetizing that I end up having too little things to do on any given day. Like right now, I should be writing a 5-page essay on some geography thing but, instead I’m watching Q (who, by the way, just put on ”Free as a Bird”, what a creepy video). So, yeah back on topic:

-TV Shows. Well, British TV is awful. Soaps are terrible, Big Brother is terrible, X Factor is terrible, Strictly come Ice Dancing is terrible and Come Dine with Me is terrible too (nah, just kidding CDWM is immense). Really, the only good thing about Britain is the comedy. Seriously, British comedy is the best.  Jon Richardson, Jimmy Carr, Mitchell and Webb, Rob Brydon, Shappi Khorsandi, Jack Whitehall, Daniel Sloss, that fat Geordie woman, Rowan Atkinson, Russell Howard, Harry Hill and hell, even Lee Mack can be funny (if you’re drunk (and high (and dead))). Anyway, Spanish TV is also awful (don’t ask, I have ties there). So, what does a man do? There is only so many stand-ups one man can watch. Well, that man turns to Amercian TV shows. Shows like Nikita, CSI, Breaking Bad, Bored to Death, The Office, Wilfred and much more, keep me entertained days on end. No-one can compete with the Yanks with regards to Television. In my blog, I intend to review them (i.e look at them from the perspective of a grumpy englishman) and state what I like about them in a feature every month.

-Wrasslin’. Ah, good ol’ wrestling. The ”sport” everyone loves to hate. The ”sport” that I get told is fake every month (no shit, Sherlock). The ”sport” that makes me stay up till 5am to watch. The ”sport” I love. I’ll post my thoughts, reviews of PPVs, etc… BROTHER.

-Movies. If a movie was made in 2001-2011 there is a good chance I’ve seen it. I’m an avid movie lover and posts about movies I love and hate will be moderately frequent. For example, if I had this blog when Captain America was out, I probably would of wrote a 1000 word post on how shit it was. So, expect a great review for a movie or a rant on how bad it was. I might start with ”Batman Begins” if I have the time.

-Music. I like music. I’ve always been a massive music fan, but about 1 year ago, I just lost the inspiration. I would normally get home and start searching for albums of artists I like and sitting through them in like one sitting. It was costing me a lot of money on iTunes to fulfil my music needs so, I just stop downloading music and started to read books instead. Now, however, I’ve come across this service, Zune pass (which I highly recommend). Basically, it’s a service for which an annual fee of like 85$ you get unlimited music streamed to your Windows Phone, Xbox 360 or Zune. Also, you get to download 10 tracks a month to keep for you, so it’s pretty nifty. Anyway, I’m not hear to sell you all Zune subscriptions, I’m hear to tell you all that I’ve fallen back in love with Music. I can’t wait to get up in the morning and sit on the 1 hour bus and listen to my music. Music has made me happy again. And, I’ll post about what music, in particular has made me a believer.

-Books. Probably not often, but you know. I do read. I used to read about 3 books a month. Pretty good for a teen, but then I discovered the iPhone. Shit.

-Videogames and technology. I have an Xbox. I have an iPhone. I have a TV. I have a dust-covered Wii. All technology interests me so expect some tasty posts from my traditional point of view on mobiles, apps and xbox games.

So, that about sums it up. I may include another random topic from time to time but, you know there a surprise. I know all of my 1 readers are frozen in anticipation but, you’ll have to wait, yo, it’s a secret.

You know you love me,

XOXO

P.S I swear a lot.